Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize