we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
