i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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