I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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