i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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