You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's rum buckets o'clock
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
