Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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