he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Randomize
