Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
How's work?
Spinning.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
