First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
