Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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