It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize