Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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