I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
