$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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