I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize