This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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