Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
