Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
