Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
