Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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