I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
