he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
