Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
