Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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