just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We're too hungover to prance.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
