I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
