I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
