I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
