Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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