There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
