Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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