She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
