can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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