I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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