I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So here I am, sexting at work.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
