made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
