just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
