you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
