Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
