I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
