i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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