I'm so fucking centered right now
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
