...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
