I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
