My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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