Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
