she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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