Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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