What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
