your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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