I faked an abortion last night.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
