Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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