I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize