If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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