Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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