When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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