I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
