he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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