I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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