I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
